When I realised that many brilliant and accomplished people were also secretly miserable, just trying to make it through the day, I looked for terminology to describe this, but there was none. So I came up with my own: the underfulfilled overachiever, or UFOA. This describes a constant striver who is living a great‑on‑paper life, yet feels disconnected from their work, life and self. UFOAs see success as the organising principle of our lives. We call it by a catchy name: hustle culture. We brag about our intense busyness. Side hustles are a badge of honour. Going “above and beyond” in our jobs is routine. Our primary purpose, unabashedly, is achievement.
Most of us were shaped around expectations from the beginning. We praise kids for being “good students”, by which we don’t mean curious and engaged. We mean high grades and awards. Our education system is built on this principle. This means prioritising productivity – achievement’s codependent partner – above almost all else. The central question becomes: “How can I be the most productive today?”
The way we’ve been taught to “do” life is all wrong. “Destinational living”, by which we pursue recognisable outcomes based on the lie that these will guarantee security and happiness, is an “end justifies the means” philosophy. Destinational living says: “Decide what you want your life to look like, come up with a 10-year plan, and then work backward to determine the most advantageous place to start.” In the abstract, this is a lovely idea. There’s a reason why it’s the dominant cultural paradigm. It’s comforting to believe that the world is so predictable that we can plot it all out in advance. If only it were true.
But if this is supposed to guarantee our happiness, why do almost 50% of millennials report symptoms of depression and/or anxiety disorders and 84% report burnout? And why are these numbers rising? Those are not metrics of success by anyone’s definition. Clearly, our system is broken. The problem is the expectation that with achievement comes fulfilment. It’s not about the most enjoyable way to get to work or being and feeling well during your day; it’s about what each choice can earn you.
Destinational Living means outsourcing our decision-making. What is impressive, what is valuable, is defined not by what matters to us personally but, rather, by what matters to others. In effect, we’re “life plagiarising”. It’s asking, “what did that person do to achieve such success?” and then turning around and saying, “OK, got it. Copy, paste”.
What most UFOAs eventually learn the hard way is that being, or appearing, successful (becoming a CEO, parent, spouse, homeowner) is a different experience from being fulfilled. Fulfilment is a deep sense of belonging to yourself.
Many UFOAs misdiagnose their problem as unreasonable expectations, or workaholism, assuming that they just have to “care less” about work. In 2022, “quiet quitting” – doing the bare minimum required to keep a job – dominated headlines. While I support the sentiment, I’m not a fan of any strategy that is based on engaging less with your life. I’m pretty sure that is not the recipe for fulfilment.
There are also proponents of opting out altogether. There is a movement among young people in China called tang ping, or “lying flat” that is “a way of life [that includes] not getting married, not having children, not buying a house or a car, and refusing to work extra hours or hold a job at all”. I applaud anyone investigating alternative strategies. But ambition is a genuine part of who we are. Not to mention that living antithetically to the cultural system is still living defensively against, instead of for, something.
There’s another way and I call it directional living. Here’s the catch: I can’t find fulfilment for you. The good news is that it’s all up to you. Directional living is like the scientific method but for life. You begin with a hypothesis – your best guess as to the direction of a loose “something bigger”. You conduct tests and collect data through your experiences, refining your life hypothesis as you go.
If you have a hypothesis that involves living on the beach, you may test that by renting a house on the coast for one month and collecting data on how right, or not, that is for you. The goal is not to permanently relocate but to find out whether you want to continue exploring that path. Success is in finding what’s true, not in proving your original theory correct.There are also proponents of opting out altogether. There is a movement among young people in China called tang ping, or “lying flat” that is “a way of life [that includes] not getting married, not having children, not buying a house or a car, and refusing to work extra hours or hold a job at all”. I applaud anyone investigating alternative strategies. But ambition is a genuine part of who we are. Not to mention that living antithetically to the cultural system is still living defensively against, instead of for, something.
There’s another way and I call it directional living. Here’s the catch: I can’t find fulfilment for you. The good news is that it’s all up to you. Directional living is like the scientific method but for life. You begin with a hypothesis – your best guess as to the direction of a loose “something bigger”. You conduct tests and collect data through your experiences, refining your life hypothesis as you go.
I’ve found this idea speaks uniquely to UFOAs at this moment in time. The closest thing I have to a personal motto is a quotation that’s widely attributed to Carl Jung but that, as it turns out, he never actually said at all. “The privilege of a lifetime is to become who you truly are.” My greatest hope for you is that you get to live this privilege fully.
Bento Box:
One thing we see time and time again is that a key element of professional satisfaction is a strong sense of purpose. A strong, grounded purpose brings motivation in daily work, helps guide important choices and strengthens resolve when tackling challenges. It helps us dare to take the bold steps we might not otherwise take in professional life.
There’s a wonderful japanese concept called ikigai, which means “reason for being.” Your ikigai is the intersection of four things: what you love, what you are good at, what the world needs and what you can be paid for.
When applied as an personal reflection exercise, the ikigai exercise is a powerful way to explore your professional purpose. If you’ve never considered your individual purpose or if you feel you could benefit from reinvigorating it, try the following:Take 30-60 minutes to reflect alone, with a notebook and a pen.
1. Sketch the Ikigai diagram and label each circle. Spend 5-10 minutes on each of the four circles, reflecting on and writing down the strongest ideas that come to mind for each question.
2. After making notes for each circle, try to write a single sentence that expresses your ikigai: the intersection of the four areas. It doesn’t have to be concise, grammatical or polished!
3. Reflect on what you’ve written. Share it with someone close to you. Consider how closely aligned it is with your professional life today.
4. Finally, if you discover that there is misalignment between your ikigai and your current work life, challenge yourself to take one small bold step right away. Think about what you can actually do today to begin to move just a little bit closer your sense of purpose.
No comments:
Post a Comment